Thank goodness we have licensed regime-approved journalists to tell us what is true and debunk what is not. Leveraging their extensive life experience as first college students, then grad students, then Vox interns, and finally NYT scribblers at age 27, these special, special people are uniquely suited to defining – for us – objective reality. And we miserable peasants are so ungrateful.
On this Memorial Day, I ask: Where is their parade?
Reporters are generally garbage and we should devote ourselves to destroying the mainstream media, just as we should commit ourselves to undermining and collapsing every other woke institution that dedicates itself to our enslavement on behalf of the ruling caste. It’s just that the media is such a pompous, inept target that one can’t resist mocking it.
It’s hard to tell which is the media’s most appalling characteristic. Maybe it’s its slavish, slobbering, sucking-up to a liberal elite that is neither “liberal” in the classical sense or “elite” in any meaningful sense, except that its members possess the nearly useless credentials presented by Ivy League conformity factories.
Maybe it’s the media morons’ boundless self-regard – blue check Twitter is a festival of social media group onanism as journalists compete to most effusively congratulate each other on the hard, brave, courageous work of trying to make the Asterisk *dministration look like The West Wing instead of the bathroom scene in There’s Something About Mary.
Or maybe it’s just how bad they all are at their not-that-difficult job – these aren’t ink-stained muckrakers digging out the hidden truth. These are glorified teens watching their DMs waiting for an assistant deputy undersecretary at the Department of the Interior’s Pit Toilet and Fungus Affairs section to leak some inside info designed to trash the GOP. They don’t report the news – they transcribe Democrat press releases.
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Our media consists of smug, incompetent adolescents who eagerly submit themselves to the cause of serving the official narrative, yet its flunkies expect you and me to treat them like something other than what the squatting hobo just crowned in front of a gaggle of horrified tourists on Fisherman’s Wharf.
Their new thing is “debunking” stuff, which consists of them encountering an unwelcome fact and declaring it “debunked,” at which point the other blue checks repeat that it has been “debunked,” and then whenever it comes up again, they cite as evidence of the purported debunking, the human centipede of Mutually Assured Debunking tweeted back and forth between the interchangeable cogs in the mainstream media machine.
And they’re always wrong.
It’s a miracle they aren’t in with their chiropractors getting their pencil necks adjusted from the whiplash of the Wuhan lab 180. Remember when Tom Cotton, back when this idiocy began, observed that maybe the fact that there was a Chi Com level-four virology bioweapons lab doing gain-of-function research on coronaviruses in the middle of the town where this plague started seemed like a pretty big coinky-dink? No, all the smart people of smartness with their Fifth Century Trans Literature of the Andes degrees and their pronouns in their bios assured us that was a crazy, nutty conspiracy theory of crazy nuttiness.
Their debunking consisted of trying to frame the innocent and inoffensive pangolin. Of course, now they’ve changed their tune to, “Gee, maybe it came from a lab,” with no reference to the song they were all singing a year ago. To the extent they acknowledge that they were not merely wrong but were actively undermining people who were right, they blame Donald Trump, of course. He was apparently so evil that one was obligated to take the opposite position from him, no matter how objectively ridiculous. It brings to mind the liberal who slapped around Jenny in Forrest Gump and explained how he wasn’t to blame – “It’s just this war and that lying SOB, Johnson.”
Amusingly, the real Woodward and Bernstein of this story, Tom Cotton – who is a senator yet is also an objectively better journalist than anyone in the MSM – is the same guy these ex-gender studies majors wet themselves over when he wrote an op-ed in the NYT saying that maybe Trump should send in the Guard to stop the libs’ pet rioters. These are the same hacks who subsequently demanded we send in the 82nd to stop those terrifying Trump-curious trespassers during the mini-surrection. Note also that the media failed to fact check Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit when she put down her extra-hefty goblet of screw-top Trader Joe’s Chardonnay to repeat the infamous “the cop at the Capitol was murdered” lie – incidentally, a lie originally promulgated by the media, and later the subject of a passive-aggressive correction. Silly rabbits, debunking is for conservatives – there’ll be no debunking of President Stumbles McMyTurn, who “lost” the rigged election of 2016, four years before elections became officially unriggable.
Maybe this oversight was part of the end of the fact-checking era after the dawn of the demented last January, or maybe they were just too busy accusing Marjorie Taylor Greene of anti-Semitism for criticizing anti-Semitic lib jerks by comparing those anti-Semitic lib jerks to Nazis, which people who aren’t stupid would find an odd flex for someone who is supposed to be an anti-Semite.
And, of course, our Brave Firefighters of the Fourth Estate, when they aren’t making Palestinian porn in the form of maps depicting that mythical kingdom and debunking Israel’s right to exist, are busy covering up for the fact that their intersectional allies are the only ones pogroming the Chosen People.
Oh, and remember how the Hoover Biden laptop story was debunked, and how we were supposed to dismiss it as Russian disinformation? It’s been undebunked, and it turns out Mr. 10% went out to dinner with some of his Snortunate Son’s partners in slime. The notion that Grandpa Badfinger ever had any contact with his stripper-impregnating Bolivian powder enthusiast spawn’s cronies was officially debunked, but now this has been shown to be the latest of his never-ending series of lies about his corruption. Fear not, our glorious media is on it, cornering the commander-‘n-thief at an ice cream parlor!
“Mr. President (sic), what did you order?”
Seriously. There’s our hard-hitting, professional, worthy-of-respect media, winning Pulitzers reporting on fake scandals about Trump and digging up the forbidden truth about dessert when it comes to the desiccated old weirdo they support. He was left untroubled by a single question about the massive corruption scandal involving his crackhead kid – whose favorite ice cream is almost certainly rock-y road.
Of course, if you’ve been watching, you already know the media is a simmering cesspool. It’s exhausting to keep pointing out how it sucks, but there are still some who stare slack-jawed at the TV – like President * when he watches his stories wrapped in a shawl and being fed his mush – and who actually believes what the liars say. For them, we must keep debunking. And as for the media, it can go debunk itself.
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It’s getting close! My sixth Kelly Turnbull action thriller, The Split, is set to drop in June, but before that you should read my most recent bestseller, Crisis, as well as my other four novels about what happens when America splits into red and blue countries, People's Republic, Indian Country, Wildfire, and Collapse! Liberals and Ahoy sissies hate them, so you’ll dig them!
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