The Stakes in Wisconsin's Supreme Court Race Are High. Here's Why.
Sorry, Libs, the People Still Support Trump Deporting Illegals
Anti-Gunner Organization Just Made the Case for Trans-Identified People to Own Firearms
Here's What's at Stake for Republicans in Wisconsin's Supreme Court Elections
Iran Loads Up Missiles After Trump Issues Threat
Colorado Far From Finished Infringing on Gun Rights
More 'Extremely Dangerous Criminals' Have Been Sent to El Salvador
Dems Say Wisconsin Is Not for Sale. Walker Hits Them With the Facts.
Trump Applauds Markwayne Mullin's Sunday Show Appearance Delivering Masterclass on 'Signal...
The High Cost of Coastal Litigation: A Threat to Louisiana’s Economy and Trump’s...
DOGE Will Look Into Lawmakers Who Became 'Strangely Wealthy'
Another Poll Shows Democrats in Disarray Over How the Party Is Handling Trump
Trump's Answer to a Question About a Third-Term Is Sure to Trigger the...
Here’s Why the LA Times Is Suing Mayor Karen Bass
Scott Jennings Goes Up Against Former Pentagon Spokesperson on 'Signalgate'
OPINION

Ann Coulter is Right About Soccer, But Didn’t Go Far Enough

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement

Last week, Ann Coulter got some liberal panties in a twist when she pointed out the reality that unlike American sports like football, baseball, basketball, and hockey (what’s yours is ours, Canada), soccer is a sport for whiny, collectivist, European pansies.

Advertisement

And of course, like usual, she was right. But I’d argue that the column was, in reality, a very rare instance of moderation for the queen of conservative commentary.

Sure, soccer is a boring sport for timid, risk-averse poindexters who are afraid to stand out from the crowd.

But there’s actually only one sport worthy of any fealty to or appreciation from a country as ferocious, atomistic, take-no-prisoners, unafraid, and straight-out-will-kill-you-in-a-second as the good-old US of A: The Games.

America’s Founding Fathers described their project as the new Rome. And the only sport appropriate for the new Rome is the one popular in the old one. That’s right. Americans shouldn’t be crowded into stadiums to watch balls go back and forth. We should be seeing the heads of mace-wielding gladiators roll across the field and fly through the air!

Maybe it’s not, as Coulter said, a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. But that’s an absolute picnic compared to replacing that flying puck with a javelin.

Coulter is upset that soccer is so physically undemanding that it’s often played co-ed. Imagine how many girls are going to line up to enter the gladiator ring.

Look, football, baseball, basketball, and hockey may have more opportunities for individual players to shine. But in the games, fading into the background or playing backup isn’t an option. America is a nation of individuals fighting other individuals for our piece of the pie, baby. We deserve a sport featuring nothing less than gladiators fighting to the death to get theirs.

Advertisement

Coulter paints football as the appropriately violent alternative to the you-might-get-kicked-in-the-shins soccer. And sure, sometimes football players do get taken off the field in a stretcher. Plus, all those head injuries often show up in former players wandering around lost and acting super weird decades later. But football is straight prancing through a field of daisies in a paisley sundress compared with the games.

And if scoreless ties are your worry, the Games is your sport. No one leaves without scoring.

As Coulter points out, most sports are sublimated warfare. That’s what makes the Games so amazing, there’s no sublimation needed. Americans are clearly a war-hungry bunch. Let’s get that impulse out on the field, it’s a lot cheaper than invading, maintaining, and then re-invading countries that exist on the other side of the world and which have never not been at war with someone, somewhere.

It’s weird, Ann Coulter has never been one to shy away from saying exactly what she thinks. I’m guessing reinstating the Games just never occurred to her. But I think we can both agree that it’s time. First round? Ann Coulter vs Rachel Maddow. Fight!

Join the conversation as a VIP Member

Recommended

Trending on Townhall Videos