Nicene Creed for Environmentalism

Every religion needs a creed. A set of beliefs that its followers can adhere to. A flag they can rally around in good times and bad.

An early example is the Nicene Creed, drafted in the fourth century to explain exactly what Christians believed.

With the coming of Earth Day, Americans are reminded once again that modern environmentalism has morphed into a religion. For example, we can expect to be reminded that today’s cold weather and floods are caused by “climate change,” the exact same phenomenon that supposedly caused last year’s hot weather and droughts.

So to help environmentalist believers focus, it’s time for them to have their own Nicene Creed. Feel free to read it at Earth Day celebrations, or any appropriate worship services:

We believe in one Planet,
Mother of us all: the Earth,
fragile and endangered by pollution,
both seen and unseen.
We believe in one agency, the EPA,
the only thing standing between us and oblivion,
created by Washington to protect us,
its god-like rulings must never be questioned,
we understand its decisions are
begotten, not made.
EPA is of one with the Father, the federal government.
Through it all things were made,
for us and for our salvation.
EPA hands down judgments as if from heaven:
It was given power by Richard Nixon,
has grown inexorably,
and now has the ability to make men bend to its will.
EPA was crucified under George W. Bush;
it suffered greatly but soldiered on.
And now has arisen again to write new regulations
which must be treated as Scripture;
Under Barack Obama, EPA has ascended to new heights
and is seated at the right hand of the Father, the federal government.
It will never cease attempting to judge people and companies, whether living or dead,
and its kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Planet, the Earth, the giver of life,
which may soon be completely destroyed by man-caused global warming.
Through the Father, the federal government, and the Son, the EPA,
Earth is worshiped and glorified.
It has spoken through the Prophet, Rachel Carson.
We believe in climate change, regardless of what the evidence may show.
We acknowledge that humans are the source of all environmental sins.
We look for redemption thorough recycling,
and look forward to a completely regulated life to come.

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Amen.