If Fredocon dreamboat David French is supporting that creepy Democrat blasphemer James Talarico, that’s all you need to know if you’re a Texan – and I am aspiring to someday be an officially certified licensed Texan once I ditch this decaying feudal nightmare that is California. You’ve got to vote for whoever has the (R) after his name. And that’s not easy. The two guys in the runoffs are flawed, and their suboptimization is either entirely or largely their own fault. It’s not fair to us as Republicans, either in Texas or in the USA as a whole. Nor is it fair to Donald Trump, the guy we elected as the leader of our movement, who is now in a tough position. He doesn’t want a runoff that spends a ton of money that could be better used winning an open seat. He also doesn’t want the two Republicans to kneecap one another and give Temu Buttigieg a chance to win in November.
Frankly, neither of these guys should be running. They should’ve taken the hit and accepted the consequences of their actions, or lack of actions, and let somebody without the baggage of a Gulf emir’s third wife on a month-long shopping trip to Paris take a shot. But no, these guys both think they’re the only ones who can do this job. It has to be them because reasons and whatever. Instead of self-sacrifice, it’s potentially sacrificing a seat, which means potentially sacrificing our country. Great work all around, guys.
We’ve got to vote for whichever one wins the primary, no matter what happens. But let’s not fool ourselves. Incumbent John Cornyn is a disaster, one of those brain-dead stiffs who thinks it’s 2002 and finds us uppity voters annoying – we cramp his style, which consists of clinking glasses with his pals while savoring the unearned respect and sycophantic tongue-bathing he gets as one of 100 of his fellow (mostly) mediocrities. The only reason he can’t sell out us conservatives is that he doesn’t actually believe in conservatism; you’re not selling out if you’re acting consistently with your total lack of any coherent paradigm of political belief.
What’s so bad about him? Well, he’s the same kind of deep Red State Republican we always seem to get, a Republican who’s neither deep nor truly red. Let’s review some of his greatest hits, which are all misses. This guy worked with the Democrats on a gun control bill. Now, you’re probably asking yourself what would possess any Republican to work with Democrats on a gun control bill. Was he hanging with a shaman and slurping ayahuasca? Did he suffer some sort of brain injury? Was it a literal possession – is Pazuzu at work? Regardless, this is the kind of guy who thinks that was a good idea.
Oh, and he also thinks amnesty is a good idea – he recently told Politico that he looks forward to helping pass comprehensive immigration reform. He’ll tell you that’s not amnesty. Of course, it’s amnesty. It’s always amnesty. And of course, he wants amnesty, because he’s that kind of Chamber of Commerce Republican. He’s also the kind of Republican who explained how George Floyd was a nice guy and how the wench who lied about Brett Kavanaugh seemed credible. He has the same soft gooey center as Jiminy Lankford, Thom Tillis, and all the other fuddocons who really, really hate Trump because Trump makes them do things. They loathe DJT as much as they fear him. Of course, if Crusty John gets reelected for his last term – he’s like 172 years old – he’ll be able to let his freak flag truly fly and undermine the President as only a lame duck can.
But, on the other hand, he will vote to organize under the Republicans and usually vote our way. That’s vital. That’s everything. And that’s as opposed to fake Christian Alfred E. Swaggert, who will support whoever knifes Chuck Schumer to be the majority leader job and will never bore our way ever. The comparison to this Talarico guy, who was probably voted “Most Likely To Have An Indictable Browser History,” is the only time Cornyn looks like a good choice.
And then there’s Kenny Paxton, the current attorney general. Between the two, I’d much rather have him in the Senate; the issue is the “getting in” part. He’s always going to vote our way. He’s always going to support what we support. He’s just got a problem. It’s his zipper. It works too well. Look, some people can get away with being a charming rogue, like Bill Clinton and Donald Trump, but it’s not like Kenny was out there tapping the talent at the Playboy mansion. His personal life is seedy and gross, and the good people of Texas don’t appreciate it. There were charges of corruption against him, at least some of which are absolute baloney. I strongly opposed the unsuccessful campaign to impeach him because that was obviously not based on anything he had actually done as far as misconduct, but because he actually stood for something politically.
Gulp down this hard-to-swallow pill: he’s damaged goods. That doesn’t make me happy to say so, but it’s true. He is a suboptimal candidate, and that is largely of his own doing. The problem is not that we will have yet another GOP senator who is no paragon of virtue. It is that we might not have a GOP senator at all. He gives Talarico a better chance to win, especially when Unitarian Elmer Gantry of the First Church of Perversions and Abortion is spouting his fake Jesus jive. David French – who’s always there to tell you what a good Christian he is and what bad ones you and those you support are because we know from scripture that the guys who talk about how devout they are are always the heroes – eats up Talarico’s act with both hands. Paxton‘s presence on the ballot will further confuse the issue for well-meaning faithful folk who vote. They might just choose to sit it out, while every atheist SSRI wine woman in Austin is going to be marking their ballot in, for them, what is the closest they will ever have to partaking in a religious ritual.
It’s always an uphill battle for a Democrat in Texas because Texans generally have common sense. It’s a harder climb for them if facing Cornyn, who tries to come off as a normiecon, a relatively inoffensive timeserver whom Republicans who aren’t really paying attention can easily vote for. Those who know Texas believe that Kenny Paxton shaves down the hill and makes it easier for the Democrats to climb. And the Democrats want to climb it. They yearn to turn the Lone Star State blue like a Bulwark staffer’s wife yearns for the glistening torso of Pedro the Pool Boy.
Now, our choice is easy. We need to support whoever wins the runoff in May. If it’s Cornyn, vote for him. If it’s Paxton, vote for him. But President Trump, who has to look at the big picture, has a much harder choice. He feels he needs to endorse soon to short-circuit an expensive and destructive runoff. He says he expects the guy not getting the nod to drop out. The candidates don’t like that; they both want the gig. And some Texans are mad – they want to decide, though Trump can’t make them do anything, and they seem to have their own ideas about how this will go.
Paxton says he’ll get out if the Senate passes the SAVE Act (I would also demand that Trump be able to make recess appointments). Cornyn insists he supports the SAVE Act, but, oh well, he can’t do anything about it, so sorry. So, he’s basically admitting he has no heat in the Senate, and that he is functionally useless other than just showing up and being GOP. Kind of sums up his legacy.
But Trump likes the idea of a deal; he’s a deal guy. Is there a deal to be had?
Yeah, if Trump pushes it. John Thune and the establishment definitely want their pal Cornyn to win; Paxton will be a huge pain in their collective tush by not being weak and soft. Trump was reported to be leaning toward Cornyn due to massive lobbying by these guys and their media allies. However, Trump felt the pushback and got irritated at the idea that it was a done deal. Still, the deal is obvious: Trump gets the SAVE Act and recess, and they get Cornynholio. No SAVE Act and no recess, and it’s Pax your bags, Johnboy.
Trump is a dealmaker. That’s his thing. But if he picks Cornyn (which is not insane, just agonizing) and gets nothing for it, he’ll look like he got rolled by the goobers on Capitol Hill. Imagine being outplayed by the empty-suited likes of them! No, he needs the SAVE Act PASSED, not promised. He needs the recess commenced, not a deal where these wimps will gladly pay him Tuesday for a hamburger today. Oh, and he needs to drag John Cornyn out in front of the cameras to personally promise on his honor, cross his heart, hope to die, that he will never, ever, ever support another gun control bill or any kind of “immigration reform.” Texans still believe in honor; Trump will have no other power restraining this tool except to make crossing Trump an abdication of Cornyn’s personal honor. That still means something, if only as a way to make Cornyn afraid he’ll be held in contempt by his Lone Star peers if he bald-faced lies.
The Texas Senate race is suboptimal, but either guy is likely to win the general – it’s just more likely and less expensive with the incumbent. But if Trump is going to do this, he needs to do a deal – and it needs to not be one that wrecks his reputation as a master negotiator forever.
Follow Kurt on Twitter @KurtSchlichter and read Kurt’s new bestseller in the Kelly Turnbull People’s Republic conservative action novel series, Panama Red. Also, check out his Kelly Turnbull GRAPHIC NOVEL campaign (with Sean Salter) – BLUE FLAME! The amazing animated trailer is out now!!