A disturbing trend has emerged in current online commentary: confessions of parent-regret.
A growing number of parents are writing about how they hate being parents, and there's a growing readership for this petty schadenfreude. I presume there's some small pleasure for readers, specifically those who chose not to have a family, because they can say to themselves: "I made the right decision, sparing myself their rancid domesticity!"
These self-serving parents complain about raising kids; they complain about how they don't have the time to do the things that they want. They fantasize about the kind of lives they could have had if they never had kids.
Most of the time, the articles come from women. This sad pattern makes sense, since third-wave feminism has taught women to see themselves as perennial victims. When hardship of any type emerges, they quickly blame the husband, the boss, or the kids for their woes.
Not once does it occur to them to check their own attitudes and develop gratitude for the life they have and the lives they have created. They have been conditioned by college, media, and corporate culture to look out for "girl boss" first and forget the family.
Here's a sample of the self-absorbed slop that accounts for parent-regret "journalism":
"'It's the breaking of a taboo': the parents who regret having children"
"The Two Reasons Parents Regret Having Kids"
"Inside the Growing Movement of Women Who Wish They'd Never Had Kids"
"I Think I Would Be A Happier Person If I Never Had Kids"
"The mothers who regret having kids: 'I wished I were holding a cat and not a baby'"
Another stunning—and stunningly awful—example of this trend emerged this year when a father decided to join the ululation of unhappy housewives, jumping on this self-serving commentary bandwagon. Kvetching like a male Karen, Justin Murphy made social media waves (19 million views!) with his authentic, yet inappropriate, admission that he would rather drink coffee in the morning than play catch with his kid.
Here are key comments from his controversial post:
"Am I just a monster? It's been 4 years since I became a father and I'm beginning to fear for my soul. The truth is I just don't like being around kids for very long. Historically, this is not uncommon among fathers, but today it feels almost illegal. It's causing me a lot of confusion and anguish."
The first thoughts that come to mind: Murphy is not a monster. He's a selfish baby who is only learning now—now?!—that part of being a parent is that you stop caring about yourself and your interests.
Did he not consider that children, especially the younger set, need constant stimulation, nurturing, and affirmation?
Here's another portion:
"The ideal amount of time I would like to spend playing with my kids is probably about 70-140 minutes a week—roughly ten minutes each day, maybe 2x/day, taking breaks from work. My feelings of love toward them are perfectly strong, but if I have to watch them or entertain them for more than about 10 minutes my blood starts to boil. I just want to be working, or accomplishing something. I try to be grateful, but it doesn't work."
He talks about love as a "feeling." Being a parent is a calling, a new life, not a fad or a mood. What we witness from reading his "confession" is a clear misunderstanding of what life and parenting are about. It's almost as though he expected nothing but good times and an easy ride in fatherhood, and he thinks opining his buyer's remorse will make him feel better.
His feelings are not unique. In 1975, Ann Landers conducted a private poll with readers, asking them, "Do you regret becoming a parent?" A whopping 70 percent responded that they did. The difference, though, was that parents of the past persevered through their frustrations. There are many blessings to parenthood, and the results speak for themselves in many cases.
Sadly, some commentators have applauded Murphy's "courage" to talk about how much he hates being a dad. "Women talk freely about this, but men have needs, too." Instead of celebrating a weak man joining the self-serving chorus, more of us should have condemned the women for descanting on the miseries of motherhood to begin with!
Instead of "Poor babies! You need to feel your feelings," we need to rebuke these selfish adults.
"You are parents now. You don't get to bail out. When you start a family, it's no longer about your own wants. You have received a higher calling: providing for the well-being of others."
Raising kids is challenging. Some parents will feel so overwhelmed that they wish they could give it all up. But that's a phase to work through, not a ditch to dig into, and certainly not a subject to publish on a news site.
Justin Murphy complains about having kids. He should consider the men who wanted kids but never got any. Instead of complaining, some gratitude and emotional maturity would do these "parent-regret" adults some good.
Last week, I watched an old favorite movie from my childhood: "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." The nostalgia to watch this movie was initiated in part because the multi-talented Dick Van Dyke, who stars in this 1968 movie, just turned 100 years old. He's as spry as ever, kid-like in his active charm despite his age, and still entertaining.
Notice the selfless sense of service, and from an actor of all people!
The major plot of the movie focuses on the ruthless yet silly (and very immature) Baron Bomberg, who craves Chitty ChittyBang Bang, among other things.
He's the bombastic baron over the little Germanic kingdom of Vulgaria, a principality in which no children are allowed.
Watching this video a second time, as an adult, the notion that any adult would hate children and demand their removal from society struck me as, well, pretty evil—sickening even! The local village has one toymaker, played by Benny Hill of "Yakety Sax" fame. He makes toys… for the Baron!
Clearly, the monarch of this vulgar kingdom is an overgrown child, one who insists on everything for himself, with no regard for the well-being of others.
And that is the essence of children. Children care about themselves and think about their own needs, with no regard for others. Part of parenting is to teach children that they are not the only human beings on the planet.
When children are … little childreit'st’s understandable that they have needs, wants, and hopes. They want to play with their parents and they want them to care for them.
In contrast, Prof. Caractacus Potts and Trudy Scrumptious fly in to rescue their kidnapped grandpa.
Contrast his gratitude with the bitterness and entitlement of Justin Murphy, and we all start to see the problem.