When I visited Ready.gov, I was taken aback by this jarring disclaimer:
“NOTICE: Due to the lapse in federal funding, portions of this website may not be updated … until after appropriations are enacted.”
Nobody outside of the Libertarian Party is a fan of the government shutdown, but Ready.gov’s winter-tips page (ready.gov/winter-weather) isn’t exactly evidence of our tax dollars hard at work.
Did you know that “winter storms can range from a moderate snow over a few hours to a blizzard with blinding, wind-driven snow that lasts for several days”?
News to me.
Or that “many winter storms are accompanied by dangerously low temperatures and sometimes by strong winds, icing, sleet and freezing rain”?
To get ready for ice, prepare an emergency kit that has “rock salt or more environmentally safe products” that the government recommends on the EPA website.
We’re told that our emergency kit should include snow shovels or other snow-removal devices.
Without government assistance, my mother created the world’s finest snow-removal kit. It included a shovel and my father.
Sometimes things can get so bad in the winter, we are warned, you may lose power and heat. If you have a fireplace, be sure to stock up on seasoned wood. (For the moment, the EPA still allows us to use our fireplaces.)
Once you have followed these groundbreaking government tips, you need to learn what to do during the storm.
The first thing the government recommends is to stay inside. That makes sense to me. We must fight the urge to lie in the yard in our pajamas covered with wet snow.
If you must go outside, however, “be careful walking on snowy, icy walkways” — because top government minds have determined that both are slippery!
The government warns us not to overexert ourselves while shoveling. That is sound advice. Overexertion while shoveling can, and does, lead to heart attacks, particularly in middle-aged fellows who are not in great physical shape.
Yet every year, we men, fully aware of the risk, overexert ourselves while shoveling — and one or two of us have heart attacks and end up on the local news along with interviews with medical experts who tell us we ought not overexert ourselves while shoveling.
Frostbite is a big worry. Symptoms “include loss of feeling” and a pale appearance in our fingers, toes, earlobes and nose.
I am no expert, but another symptom is that you are really cold, which is a good reminder that you should go inside the house where it is warm.
If you’re a critic of how big and wasteful our government has gotten — that we employ people to write tips so obvious a first grader could have written them — then you’ll thoroughly enjoy these insightful government tips:
CDC: “Wash your hands — with soap.”
IRS: “File your taxes to avoid penalties.”
TSA: “Prepare to be groped!”
Actually, the TSA doesn’t say that. They call it a “pat down.”
To the government’s credit, it does offer a few useful tips — such as leaving your water dripping so pipes don’t freeze and tying a bright cloth to your antenna if you’re stranded in your car.
For the most part, though, if you need to rely on the government for obvious tips on how to navigate everyday life, your worries are much greater than winter weather.