It's Christmas Eve, and it's also my birthday, which is awesome – it's the best day of the year to have a birthday. Merry Christmas! Everybody loves Christmas, except pinkos, race hustlers, communists, criminals, and perverts – you know, Democrats. US normal people enjoying this wonderful holiday, and thereby making them mad, make the holiday even more special. Christmas is about giving. God gave us His Son to be our Savior, and in recognition, we give gifts to each other. Everybody remembers how exciting Christmas morning was as kids, unless you're one of those weirdos who opened presents on Christmas Eve, which I don't understand, but whatever. Well, Christmas is for adults, too, and, more specifically, for conservatives. That's right. You shouldn't forget conservatives at Christmas time, and here are some gift suggestions for what the conservative in your life really wants and needs:
1. To Never Hear About Candace Owens Again: That's right, millions of conservatives are dreaming of going down to their stockings and finding Candace Owens and her mind-numbing idiocies absent. I don't want to deplatform her or anyone else; I just never want to hear about her again. I always thought there was something off about her, and now it's become clear that what's off about her is her complete lack of a conscience and her amazing gift for cynical grifting. Look, I'm not one of those people who denounce on command. If you have a beef with somebody, that's your beef – I'll say what I want when I want or I'll say nothing if I choose. But I choose to say that Candace Owens and her weird antisemitic nonsense, combined with her grotesque cruelty toward those who loved Charlie Kirk, make her a bad person, and she should go away. Do you want to make me happy this Christmas? Make it so I never have to hear from her again.
2. To Never Hear About the Epstein Files Again, Either: As I have said before, the Epstein files imbroglio is an IQ test, and far too many people are failing it. He was a horrible, disgusting man; he hung out with some horrible, disgusting people. He insinuated himself into the social circle that Donald Trump was in, and Donald Trump was the only one of them to utterly reject him, for which he, of course, gets no credit because everything Donald Trump does is bad because he's Donald Trump and reasons. In any case, the sputtering failure of the Epstein file disclosures to gratify the conspiracy theorists was entirely predictable. Can we just never hear about this nonsense again?
3. A Refocus on Victory: The first nine months of the Trump 2.0 administration were a nonstop succession of amazing victories on foreign policy, the economy, and turning back the DEI race garbage that was killing our country and our culture. But now we're almost a year on, and things are getting a little loose. We're making unforced errors. Look, I love to own the libs, but do we really need to get in fights over Rob Reiner or the Trump–JFK Center? It's kind of an insult to Trump to be linked with a creep like JFK, but whatever.
I'm not offended by any of it; this is a tactical critique. But does it help us win? Again, I love owning the libs, but I'm not a normal person. You're not a normal person, either, because you're a Townhall VIP member. While we enjoy this, regular voters get confused and upset because they're soft – if they were hard, they would be VIP members. When the administration does this stuff, it makes them think we're not serious or focused on what they care about. What they care about right now is the economy, and Trump was turning his focus toward affordability until suddenly we were having another discussion about how Trump is mean and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. For Christmas this year, I just want to go back to focusing on putting policy points on the scoreboard.
4. Republicans Not Being Sissies: Yeah, this is a reach gift – like a BB gun or a pony. But if you don't ask, you'll never get. Republicans with a killer instinct would be a killer Christmas gift. Good gosh, do these people never learn? You know it's not that hard to be hard. It's not that tough to be tough. All you have to do is tell members of the regime media or whoever is trying to get you to talk badly about your own side to go pound sand. I do it all the time, or did – the regime media has learned from painful experience and rarely calls me for comment anymore because they don't want me to laugh at them and mock them and otherwise humiliate them as I utterly reject their invitation to betray my own people. But a lot of Republicans can't pull that off. A lot of Republicans just have to go on Meet the Press or Face the Nation or on with that human potato, Brian Stelter, and talk badly about our own side because they're open, honest, and transparent. OK, none of that has anything to do with advocacy. When you are advocating for something, you are trying to win the argument. You're not trying to be fair, even-handed, or tell both sides. That's not your job. You are there to make points and put them on the scoreboard. If you want to be even-handed, be a sissy columnist and write opinion pieces for feminine readers. But if you're a politician, I expect you to play politics to win.
5. Successful Midterms: This would be a welcome surprise present. Let's not sugarcoat it. History is against us holding the House. That's not because history is somehow determinative in and of itself, but because the common conditions in a midterm election tend to favor the out party. And there's no more out party than the Democrats. But we don't have to lose. Nothing is written. The Democrats have attached themselves to an agenda of fascism, perversion, and cultural decline. They're going out to get margaritas with illegal aliens who beat the crap out of their wives, and they're proud of it. How the hell can we lose to these people?
Well, why don't we try not losing to them? Why don't we try going out there, recruiting good candidates, running good races, and bringing in new seats? Plus, we can improve the seats we currently hold. A lot of Republicans are retiring, including a lot of crappy ones. This is an opportunity, not just to win seats, but to win seats with people who want to win the fight. That's something new. That's something we're not used to. But I've been doing this for a long time. I understand how things were 15 years ago, unlike many of our younger conservatives and newcomers to the movement. It was a lot worse back then. We had a lot of terrible Republicans, and we were utterly feckless as a party. We're imperfect now, that's for sure, but we're a lot better than where we were. And we can do a lot better. There's no reason to give in on the midterms. The economy is going to be pumping – you already see it with your 401(k)s jumping. Let's get in there, focus on what's important, get Donald Trump out on the road rallying the troops, and bring it in for the big win.
There's my list. I'd be happy to get just one of them, but how about all of them? At this joyous time of the year, let's put some winning under the tree again.
Give the gift of conservative action with Kurt Schlichter's JUST RELEASED new bestseller in the Kelly Turnbull People's Republic conservative action novel series, "Panama Red"! Also, follow Kurt on Twitter @KurtSchlichter.
Kurt's super-secret email is kurt.schlichter@townhall.com
