Did you vote yet? I voted. I voted the hell out of my ballot, all Republican up and down. California sent me my ballot, and I sat down with Irina, consulted our GOP voter guide on those weird esoteric judgeships, and we voted. It was easy to vote on the initiatives because they’re all bad, except for the one that makes crime illegal again. And, of course, we both voted for Donald Trump. Proudly. For the third time in a row.
But the key part of this is that we both voted.
You need to vote. And you need to do it now. If you can vote where you live today, you need to vote today. Not tomorrow. Today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. November 5th is certainly not guaranteed. But you know what is guaranteed? My vote is. It’s done. It’s finished. I have completed my task. Mission accomplished.
Go vote. Do it now. Right this minute. Before you even finish this column. I don’t want to hear your whining in the comments if you haven’t voted already. If you have, you’re free to whine.
Now, there are a lot of people who still like to vote on Election Day. I get it. Some of you are convinced that there will be shenanigans with your ballot if you vote early. You have it all wrong. The shenanigans are exponentially easier if you wait until Election Day. Remember what happened in Arizona? Suddenly, on Election Day, nothing worked, at least in the red precincts. In the red precincts they had the wrong paper or broken machines or whatever. And a bunch of Republicans who went there thinking they were going to vote on Election Day didn’t get to vote. You know who did get to vote? All the people who voted early. Sadly, most of those were Democrats. Now look at Arizona, a state which damn well knows better. It’s dominated by communists in no small part because Republicans insisted on voting on Election Day.
If you want to help the Democrats cheat, vote on Election Day.
Other people love the civic ritual of going out and voting in person, standing in the polls with other citizens, and not showing your ID. Well, at least in California, where it’s illegal to show your ID, but that’s another thing. These civic rituals are fun, but do you know what is exponentially more fun? Not electing Kamala Harris and that guy who doesn’t even know how to load a shotgun.
This isn’t about a civic ritual. This isn’t about fun. This is about getting the thing done. And the thing is getting your ballot in.
Remember, elections are won by the party that gets its ballots in. Ballot production is everything. Nothing else matters. And you know how you get your ballots in most efficiently? You do it well in advance.
Look, I don’t like early voting in principle. I would love to do as civilized countries do and have one day where everybody goes to the polls with their ID, and the only people who vote absentee are the people in the military or who have a damn good excuse. But you know what? I was outvoted on that and so were you. That’s not how elections work in much of America, and we can’t pretend differently. We have to fight on the battlefield they drop us on, not the one we wish we were on. So, the excuse that early voting is bad is not an excuse for not doing it. It’s a distraction and a tantrum. It doesn’t matter whether you like the rules or not. All that matters is that the rules are what they are.
So, right now if you can, go vote.
First of all, it helps our candidates. You know what the campaigns don’t need to do around Election Day? Hassle Irina and me. Why? Because we’ve already voted. We’re done. They will know that. And they will leave us in blessed peace. They can then focus on people who have a low propensity for voting, people who are unlikely to get out and vote unless pressured and hassled. They won’t have to pressure and hassle me because I’ve already voted. You see how that works? I save the GOP time, effort and money that can go into getting even more votes. But, if you don’t vote early, they’re going to hassle you. It’s a waste if you’re going to vote on Election Day. Why are you wasting Republican money? We’re already outspent by these damn communists.
And why does anyone assume that they will be able to go vote on Election Day? You probably will, but that’s not assured. Look what happened in Western North Carolina. Imagine if that hurricane decided to come through on November 4th instead of a few weeks ago? That’s a hell of a lot of red voters who wouldn’t be able to vote because of a natural disaster nobody knew was coming. Same with the voters in Florida. They just had a giant hurricane named Milton, because apparently we’re now naming hurricanes after nerds. What would’ve happened if Milton showed up the first week of November? Once again, a bunch of GOP voters waiting for Election Day because reasons would be unable to vote.
And there are a million reasons you might not be able to vote on Election Day. Look at me. My fine touring sedan might break down. I might have a legal emergency where I had to rush into court. Maybe Bitey would eat the poo left by that darn cat who thinks my front yard is a litter box and I’d have to drag the dog to the vet.
Or maybe I will get really sick. Maybe Irina will get really sick. Maybe we’d forget. Maybe the line would be too long. Maybe one of California’s many hobo junkies might defile the polling place. Who knows? The point is there are infinite reasons why you might not be able to vote on Election Day. Would you probably be able to vote on Election Day? Yeah, probably, but there’s about a 5% chance something would come up. And that takes out 5% of our potential voters. In a race like this, where there are so many stupid Americans that Kamala Harris remains competitive, the margin of no-shows could mean the difference between Trump winning and the destruction of our country.
So, stop reading this column if you can vote early but haven’t already voted. Stop right here – there’s not much left, so you’re not missing that much – and go vote. That ballot is sitting on your counter. Get it out, go find the local Republican voter guide online so you know who is the pinko running for a seat on the water board, then fill it out, seal it up, and dump it in the mail – or better yet, dump it in the ballot box.
Do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200 – just save your country.
Go vote early. Do it now.
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