There are classes of people in America that are more reprehensible than politicians. Child molesters, for instance. And I’m sure if I thought about it for a few more days, I could augment that list.
So let’s have some fun mocking these jerks, and if they complain, we should remind them that they’re lucky that we don’t copy other nations and put them on trial for economic negligence.
My favorite joke in this bunch is the one about Putin from Craig Ferguson. Reminds me of this Castro joke by Leno.
Jay Leno
- It was 100 degrees in New York City. It was so hot, you know Solyndra, the solar company? They actually made money.
- It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs.
- According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that’s called being a Democrat
- There is a record heat wave back east, close to 100 degrees in New York City. The temperatures are higher than President Obama was in high school.
- In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?
- For the first time ever, Asians are immigrating to this country more than any other minority group. But unlike other groups, Asian immigrants are just here to do the jobs Americans aren’t smart enough to do.
- Our space probe, Voyager 1, launched back in 1977, is 11 billion miles in space. It’s on the verge of leaving our solar system on its mission to find other civilizations to try and borrow money from.
- President Obama spent about four hours on Father’s Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He’s played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years.
- Actually, Obama’s staff is a little concerned. They’re concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising.
- President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November.
- There was a report in the paper today that the city of Detroit will go broke in two weeks. Are you surprised by that? Didn’t you think Detroit went broke, like, 10 years ago?
- Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea — something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?
- Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they’re not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It’s now a gated community.
- Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
- Guantanamo Bay is now undergoing millions of dollars worth of renovations, including a new soccer field, cable TV, and better housing. Which is kind of ironic. The only people who say they’re better off today than they were four years ago are the inmates at Guantanamo Bay.
- CNBC is reporting that America lost 129,000 millionaires last year. Or as Mitt Romney calls them, “an endangered species we have to protect.”
- Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it’s too bad we couldn’t get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt.
David Letterman
- By the way, when you buy the ticket for the new Abe Lincoln vampire movie, all of the facts and activities in the movie have been authenticated by historian Doris Kearns Goodwin.
- Hey, guess who’s gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.
Conan
- Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he’s too busy to comment because he’s watching Telemundo and eating chalupas.
- Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, “Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.”
- President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival.
- It’s great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he’s found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state’s governor.
- The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he’s gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya.
Jimmy Fallon
- A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, “I don’t understand. How would they get on my private jet?”
- Today President Obama used his executive privileges to withhold documents about the weapons operation called Fast and Furious. I don’t know what’s scarier — that we can’t see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.
- Yesterday, President Obama played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par.
- A new study found that Republicans are more likely to go to Dunkin’ Donuts, while Democrats are more likely to get their breakfast at Starbucks. While Governor Chris Christie takes the bipartisan route and gets a breakfast from each.
- Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.
- Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for doughnut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, “That never would have happened if I were the nominee.”
- A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, “Hey, that’s MY thing!”
- Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.
- A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, “And they said I can’t connect with the poor.”
Jimmy Kimmel
- For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China.
Craig Ferguson
- It’s a great day for our president. He’s down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia’s Vladimir Putin. He said “I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.” There’s no word on how Obama responded.
- The original “Dallas” series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I’m glad those dark days are over.
You can see previous collections of late-night jokes by clicking here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.